Anonymous is caught between honouring the commitment she made and protecting her sense of self
Katlego Sekhu
Anonymous is 25-years-old and two months into a marriage. Before the wedding, she was honest with her husband about her fear of marriage and her need for independence. He chose to proceed. Now, she is not sure whether either of them was fully prepared for what came next.
When her in-laws visited, she withdrew. It is how she copes. But the withdrawal was read differently by her husband’s family, and the questions about her character followed. Her husband felt embarrassed. She felt more like an outsider than before.
She loves her husband, but she is beginning to wonder whether the love and the institution can be separated, and whether wanting only one of them is even a fair ask.
Reaching out to The Best T in the City with Tbose, Anonymous wants to know if there are any blind spots she might be missing, and whether it is possible to build a life with a partner without fully stepping into the role the marriage asks of her.
“I’m 25 and have been married for just two months, but I already feel like l’m drowning. I’ve always imagined building my life independently, and I’ve long had a fear, maybe even resistance, toward marriage. I was honest about this with my husband before we got married, but for him, marriage has always been a dream.
“Now I feel like I’ve betrayed myself-and also brought him into something he is struggling to handle. A big part of this is the expectations of being uMakoti. Showing up for in-laws, fulfilling traditional roles… it all feels overwhelming and suffocating. I value my autonomy, and now I feel like I’m losing it. I’m also someone who enjoys solitude. When my in-laws visited, I withdrew, and it caused tension. My husband feels embarrassed, and his family has questioned my character.
“But the truth is, I don’t feel like I belong-I feel like an outsider, and I cope by keeping to myself. Now I’m facing a painful reality. I love my husband, but I’m not sure I can do marriage the way it’s expected. He wants both our love and the institution of marriage. I’m wondering if it’s possible for us to be together without the traditional expectations, just the two of us, without the pressure. Is it possible to have a partner without fully stepping into the role of Makoti? Or am I trying to hold onto something that can’t exist both ways?”
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