It’s the morning routine and the toilet activity, shave and shower now happen in full view of one another. Routine takes over and after a decade of marriage each person can do life’s whatevers with their eyes closed. It’s automatic, autopilot check-listing from breakfast to bed.
But it’s not a bad thing. A groove doesn’t mean a stuck record or a broken relationship. It could also mean dependability, familiarity and the signs of a functional friendship that just keeps life moving. It can start feeling less romantic, though.
When a relationship gets there, feeling like you’re paired for life with your bestie, many couples start feeling uneasy because even though what they have is solid, it no longer feels like the kind of love they were taught to expect in romance novels.
Psychologist and medical doctor Dr Jonathan Redelinghuys said the idea of marrying your best friend has both strengths and weaknesses.
“It’s good when people feel very close to one another, when they feel the other person is a confidant and plays many roles in their life.”
Closeness builds trust
Closeness builds trust and stability, but it also changes how people experience each other over time.
Familiarity removes layers and unmasks the polished veneer we carry in everyday life.
“Our very authentic selves are not always the most sexy or the most evocative or erotic selves,” he said. “When people feel comfortable doing everything in front of each other, all of those things become part of the relationship, and it can sometimes lose a little bit of that mystery.”
Small cues that signal attraction, like flirting, playful interaction or even verbal affirmation, tend to fall away as the relationship settles into routine. Efficiency replaces them and talk starts to list schedules, responsibilities and decisions that need to be made. The relationship starts running on function.
“People don’t always realise that they stop behaving like romantic partners,” he said. “They move into a space where they are co-existing and managing life, rather than engaging with each other in that way.”
Research shows that long-term relationships often settle into a sustained form of connection built on attachment, trust, and shared life, rather than intensity and constant excitement. In that space, couples tend to function well as a unit, managing responsibilities and supporting each other with a sense of reliability that is difficult to fault.
Reliability and comfort
Comfort can be grounding, especially in a world where instability is the norm, but it also changes how partners relate to one another on a day-to-day level. Some couples like it this way because the dynamic can work well when expectations are shared.
“Some people don’t feel the need to date or flirt years into a relationship, and that works for them,” he said.
Tension tends to surface when expectations are not aligned. One partner may settle into the rhythm of the relationship, while the other starts to feel disconnected in a way that is difficult to articulate. This is where a partner could stray, because they start looking for a bit of novelty and excitement elsewhere.
“People may pursue the kind of mystery and sexiness that comes from not knowing the mundane things about a person,” he said.
In turn, it can create a false comparison, where the familiarity of a long-term partner is weighed against the novelty of someone new, without recognising that novelty comes without the reality of shared life.
Address over-familiarity
Addressing over-familiarity is less about grand gestures and more about re-engagement.
“Couples need to behave like romantic partners, not just co-managers of a household,” he said. “That can include making time for each other outside of routine, reintroducing forms of expression that signal attraction and creating space where the relationship is not purely functional.”
There is also a practical element to maintaining balance.
“When partners hold on to aspects of their individual identity, it prevents the relationship from becoming too formulaic. A degree of independence can bring back a sense of interest that routine tends to flatten over time.”
A marriage that’s evolved into friendship is not a failure.
“In many ways, it reflects something that has held together under pressure, adapted, and continued to function. It carries trust, reliability and a shared history that cannot be replicated elsewhere. What defines it is not how closely it resembles early romance, but whether it continues to offer something that feels real and sustaining to the people in it.”
